#38 — Bullet Calzone
This is an illustrated countdown of my 49 1/2 most essential action movies. Last week I talked about my favorite Fast film, the one that used wrestling to transform the franchise.
To me, the hardest part of making any kind of list is your last pick, because it’s taking the place of all the others that didn’t make it. So when the countdown was much shorter, I was going to tack on this unmade action classic to take the heat when somebody says “What, no Crank?” The problem is, I expanded things so that I could draw more pictures and talk about movies like Bloodsport. Bullet Calzone was no longer needed. But maybe it is?
I think everyone who loves action movies has their own made up masterpiece simmering inside their head. It’s cooking on the ride to work, you’re adding ingredients during class lectures, and you’re editing the footage while you shower after a long day of work. There’s just lots of stuff a film fan wants to see and never will, so sometimes you have to make it up. This is the movie Hollywood didn’t have the courage to make, and I’m disappointed that New Line Cinema didn’t provide me with the necessary $50 million budget to create it. I was to direct, write, and star in it — my John Woo With The Wind, an action epic for turbulent times.
Bullet Calzone would be a dystopian action thriller featuring Michelangelo, the only surviving member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. His failing pizzeria is the last vestige of radical living in a city on lockdown — ravaged by ninja warfare and the corrupt President Cox, played by Ronny Cox. He’s been testing the animal mutagen on people so he can make a new gang of enforcers to rival the Foot Clan, and force out small business owners like Michelangelo. His two body guards are mutated versions of Sven-Ole Thorsen and Matthias Hues, and they have killed every other pizza maker in the city. These are such terrible times, you could just cry. It’s like Children of Men, but instead of a baby, it’s pizza.
The title is a reference to Michelangelo’s Manager Special — the Bullet Calzone. It also alludes to his darker nature, and the ways a violent landscape has transformed his outlook on life in a way his shell cannot protect him from. He has covered his true self, ashamed by what he’s become. With no Master Splinter to guide him, how will he learn to stuff his crust with love again? Turtles are magical creatures and their physiology is all metaphorical and whatnot, so you see why I couldn’t tell this story with a regular human.
I would have shot this on film, on location, using the original Jim Henson designed turtle suit, and doing all my own stunts, including a nunchuck battle and chase on Vespas through the city. It would have showcased a mix of Hard Boiled style shootouts (representing the corruption of the new world on Michelangelo’s philosophy) and hand-to-hand fights from second unit director Isaac Florentine — a man I would trust with my own life even though I’ve never met him. The climactic battle would have featured Michelangelo in the middle of Times Square, graphically cutting off the head of President Cox with Leonardo’s katana, and eventually moving to Hawaii to find his true love, and a new lease on life. Ultimately, this is a story of a hope for a better tomorrow.
So now maybe you understand my numbering system. Bullet Calzone was the original half-entry, designed to kick off the countdown, until I realized what a great achievement it could actually be. It has now grown in my estimation. With all due respect to other contenders, I truly think this could have gone down as the 38th most essential action movie of all time. Maybe even top 20, but I want to be respectful to the rest of action cinema.
Had I more time and thought to dedicate to this project, this spot might have been occupied by Wakaliwood’s BAD BLACK, a scrappy, humorous, Ugandan effort that stands as a monument to every action fan’s passion for cinema and creative expression. I guess Bullet Calzone is my Bad Black. I bet a lot of people have one, whether it’s a real project or just escapist fantasy. I probably could have done an entire list of fictional movies I want to see. Wouldn’t that be something. I hope more of those get made, because I think we all want to see them.
