#19 — Cobra
This is an illustrated countdown of my 49 1/2 most essential action movies. It was supposed to be completed in June, but I decided it’s more dramatic to see if I can finish a weekly installment before America as we know it is destroyed. For procrastinators, this is the ultimate game. Last week, I talked about a DTV action masterpiece from John Hyams, Universal Soldier: Day of Rekconing.
Class, thank you for joining me today to discuss Cobra, also known as the one where Stallone circumcises a slice of pizza with his scissors. For me, it’s one of the most stylistically ideal representations of 80s American action. It also depicts an archetype in serious need of reform.
Marion Cobretti embodies all of the best and worst aspects of the stereotypical Action Cop, including his insecurities about having a feminine sounding name. I think he’d benefit by leaning into that, maybe learn to play jazz piano, wear a suit a tie, and adopt a softer nickname, like “Officer Angel”. But then he’d be played by someone like Paul Newman and you’d have a completely different movie. I’d like to see that, but I also like the version where he goes by “Cobra”, and his superiors even say “call in the Cobra” when things get out of hand.
You know this is the really good stuff because it starts with a voiceover of Cobra reciting violent crime statistics, while we stare at a close-up of an image of an actual cobra snake. Then we see it’s printed on the ivory white pistol grip of his gun. He has his own logo and everything. Before Ryan Gosling chewed on toothpicks and wore a scorpion jacket, Marion Cobretti chewed on matchsticks and fired a snake pistol.
The opening continues with a shadowed figure on a motorcycle, backlit by red sky — this is then interspersed with glimpses of the axe-wielding gang of psycho killers called “The New World”. They’re this crazy cult led by Brian Thompson as “The Night Slasher”, who I think has one of the most memorable faces in all of cinema. Anyone who’s seen the movie is familiar with his hilarious police sketch, cartoonishly exaggerated, but very recognizable. His character gets to carry a knife like Kano from Mortal Kombat (most things from MK are inspired by random bits of pop culture, so perhaps this is where Ed Boon got the idea) and he hangs out in boiler rooms like he’s Freddy Krueger or something. He also has a wonderfully deep, theatrical voice, which makes me think of Tim Curry’s devil in Legend. This is the Deluxe Villainy skill package that you have to pay extra for with your cable subscription. Modern action villains just can’t compete with this package. This package costs 49.99 a month, one of your fingers, and a signing of your soul on the dotted line.
There’s a pulpy quality to the heroes and villains, where everything is so elevated that it feels like a Batman cartoon stuffed into a Dirty Harry movie. I guess that’s why Cobra needs all his own special gear, like a custom 1950 Mercury Monterey Coupe with plates that say “AWSOM 50”. He also boldly claims crime is a disease, for which he is the cure. He will actually say this to a criminal before killing him, which is also the tagline of the movie poster. In a normal movie, characters will sneak in the title, like “be ready to walk away from anything in 30 seconds flat, if you feel the HEAT around the corner”, but a high-level action cop will say the tagline without even thinking twice. He will not be embarrassed to do this, and we should respect it.
One of my favorite sequences in the movie is when it becomes a music video, in the style of Rocky IV, and we get a montage of Cobretti cruising around town to little shops and street corners looking for leads about the gang. Robert Tepper’s “Angel of the City” plays — interspersed with a photoshoot for Brigitte Nielsen. She plays a model that will become a target of the New World, and she poses with robots, again recalling Rocky IV. I think it’s kind of funny that an action cop would be portrayed as the “angel of the city” while being named after a venomous snake, but I guess that’s just like being a regular cop, so what do I know.
The important thing about that sequence is that it captures the essence of the whole movie. Cobra’s gotta look cool, and Ingrid (Nielsen) has to look hot, and the music has to be moody, and the bad guys have to be ugly, and there needs to be a robot involved in some way.
Cobra comes after four Rocky films and two Rambos. Stallone’s ego had a bit of a reputation, and his career success to this point makes Cobra the cinematic equivalent of a post-workout selfie. It’s the tonal opposite of something like Nighthawks, where Sly is not actually playing a character that would go by the title “Nighthawk” — and he certainly wouldn’t dress up like a woman to catch a criminal (though I’m disappointed he doesn’t dress up like a cobra, my only real criticism of the film) He’s not playing this character as a person, but more as a superhero.
The same pop art iconography that makes Rocky IV enjoyable to highly cultured, well educated people like myself is at work whenever the light catches Marion’s aviators while he plays with his matchstick. Like First Blood: Part II, it’s the type of action flick where the aesthetic matches the promotional art — an unspoken promise between art and consumer that is very important to deliver. “Crime is a disease. Meet the cure”. It’s probably one of my favorite movie posters.
Marion Cobretti represents a very silly, but essential archetype in action cinema. According to IMDB’s sometimes questionable trivia, Stallone described the character as “Bruce Springsteen with a badge”. I think that’s accurate specifically in the sense that Cobra clearly views himself as that. He’s the rugged, lone wolf law enforcer that they name different kinds of Old Spice after. Always looking cool, but trying hard not to look like he’s trying. The unkempt bachelor lifestyle. Messy house. You’ve seen this before. They’ve all got a house boat, or a Venice Beach apartment, or an old, rustic cabin. The scissored pizza is the perfect distillation of this approach. These characters are meant to be masculine and cool, but it’s presented in this boyishly silly way. Stallone could play this same guy in a Scott Pilgrim movie and it would be comedy.
As an Action Cop, Marion Cobretti is an unstoppable force that will meet his opponents at the gates of hell and watch them burn alive. As a human, he’s a work in progress. He could maybe clean up his apartment, learn to cook a meal or two, and open up about his feelings after impaling a man on a hook. I love Cobra as an action cartoon, but I also love how its commitment to style highlights everything stupid about these movies — in an honest, yet seemingly affectionate way. After killing lots of people (who were very bad, for what its worth), Marion rides off with his new girlfriend, perhaps on the path to becoming the mythical Love Cop. This is the first step in his reformation. I’m rooting for him.
